He or she tried to end the affair, and told you that they were willing to work on the marriage.
Maybe the paramour found a way to get to him or her, rekindled the passion and convinced your spouse that he or she will never be happy without them.
Our experience is that if a good person gets straightened out, not only can the marriage be saved, but it can be stronger and more loving than it was before.
If you decide to try to save your marriage, immediately stop allowing your spouse to manipulate you in any way. Slow things down and drag things out even if it makes them angry.
I’ll make another admission; I’ve gone through marriage intensives with couples that at the end I would have predicted there was no way they would heal their marriage. For example, recently a couple came through our weekend intensive workshop for marriages in crisis that shared a remarkable story. Like so many others they didn’t understand the danger and forged ahead with a friendship that was destined to become a passion.
Though highly involved in their church, she had gotten too close to another member and that had gradually led to adultery. By the time they realized they were on the wrong path, they were so enmeshed with each other that they were convinced that the best thing for everyone – spouses, children, church – was to divorce their spouses and marry each other.
Nevertheless, he spent the rest of the night praying over her sleeping body.If your spouse went back to the affair the second time, it seemed to have much more power over them than in the beginning.By the time you broke your silence, things had evolved to an almost impossible situation.That’s the only time I’ve heard the story work just that way. If your spouse has told you that he or she is in love with someone else, I suggest you do the following things.More often the abandoned spouse prays and prays but the abandoning spouse reacts callously. They don’t want to face the guilt of their wrongdoing. It means that sometimes God works directly on a person’s heart in ways beyond human understanding, and sometimes He uses other methodologies. Before giving up on a straying spouse, it would behoove you to ask, “Is my spouse a bad person doing a bad thing, or a good person doing a bad thing? However, if at heart they are good people, they are worth rescuing.Your church leaders tried, but had no success in righting the wrong behavior of your spouse.They found themselves listening to how terrible it is to be married to you, or how hypocritical they were to tell someone else to do right.It makes you less attractive and intensifies whatever justification he or she has mentally made that allows leaving you. Make it clear that while you would like to save the marriage, your life will go on and you will prosper if they don’t come back. When a person believes that you are there no matter what they do, they have no compulsion to do right. Other people in your life who care about you will still care about you. And, believe it or not, it often helps bring the spouse back, though you cannot do it for only that reason.When they see that you can live happily without them, you become more attractive. No matter how much you love your spouse, life can go on and be good if he or she leaves you. When you are sure that your spouse is involved in something, or with someone, that is wrong, arrange a group to do an intervention.Finally, you made the discovery that your spouse did have someone else. Maybe you checked the cell phone bill, read emails, found a note or letter in a pocket or purse, or, even worse, someone saw them and told you about it. Secrecy helped them, not you, but because you thought there might be a chance to keep him or her calm and possibly stop this nightmare, you allowed yourself to be manipulated.Maybe your abandoning spouse had a period of hesitation.